Friday, July 24, 2015

I am not your enemy. Stop treating me like one. Turn your face away rather from those who talk shit behind your back. Stop telling them about your family, about what affects you, about yourself as a person. They simply need a topic to laugh at you. You answer their questions with ease, while mine are simply bounced off a wall. They observe all you do just so they can mock you for it. While I observe you purely out of care. Is it so tough for you to differentiate the two gazes?
#trainmusings

Thursday, July 23, 2015

It is not the departure but

I know exactly what's going to happen after I am gone. It is not the departure but the aftermath I am preparing for...

Will they be together? Will they look after each other? Will I be able to hear them or see them? What are the stories they'll tell me? Will they motivate me to build them something? Will they inspire me to be strong or break me in an alien land? Will they affect me as much? Will it really be the escape, the starting afresh? Or will it just be pieces reassembled from what's broken now?

Will I learn to love you and give it my all? Will we think about each other as much as we do today?

I have said goodbyes before and practice indeed makes man perfect.. Goodbyes are such an exception to the rule.

Monday, July 20, 2015

Thought I'd write you a note for every day that we spend in silence. Filling it with so many questions and no answers... Leaving that book behind with you, so you could write the answers to yourself. Worry not, it only sounds like too much. Because, I have the same questions every day. Maybe, the same ones that are going on in your head.

Yes, it pains me to not know the answers. It's that pain you'll see on every page. The pain of not knowing. The pain of being in the dark, being really far. A pain I'm learning to make peace with. A pain that resides with the pleasure of having known you... 

Friday, July 17, 2015

Stumbled upon some good posts - 2

I believe in boys with sad eyes and soft smiles.
I believe in girls who roar back at the thunder
and still kiss like the first time they fell in love.
I believe in the people who’s skin never felt like home to them,
so they carved home out of the dust beneath their shoes
and kept on going.
I believe in all the ones who are told they don’t belong.
I don’t think I belong either.
I don’t know what it means to “belong”
but I know the ones shouting have nothing to offer,
that fitting in is the fad diet we’re all starving ourselves to.
I believe in us.
The ones who have never felt good enough.
I believe in the girl next door, who likes to be called “her”
but who woke up, today, with a gender that felt like
hand spun wool and spilled milk,
and who still doesn’t know how to tell her mother.
I believe in the ones dating the wrong people
so their parents won’t have to know
who it is they want to love.
I believe in a fear like that.
I believe in the kindness of strangers
and I believe that turning a blind eye
isn’t what makes you bad.
It only makes you scared like the rest of us.
I believe people learn to be brave.
I believe in the hands picking flowers as much
as I believe in the hands that plant them.
Because sometimes our hearts are too big for our bodies
and they like to go bumping against each other–
sometimes,
love doesn’t mean what you think it does.
You and I don’t love the same, but we are,
all of us, out here loving.
I believe in the collection of fingerprints you pick up
from everything in the world you have ever touched.
If I believe in anything,
I believe that that
is enough.

- Ashe Vernon

Thursday, July 16, 2015

Choice to be reborn

This feels like one of those phases, when a doctor has given you a month to live. After which nothing would exist. None of these meetings or conversations, none of these relationships and moments. None of these surroundings would be yours. You'll be really far from smelling this air, tasting these flavours, hearing those sounds, touching all that comforts you. An end to all conflicts, all the searches, all the questions. Nothing would matter anymore. You have a month to live. To speak your heart and live your dreams. To make memories. And in this month you'll have a lot of revelations. You'll know the ones who really value you. You'll know the ones who are waiting for you to be gone. You'll see their efforts - at making your last few days special or learning of ways to let go of you. You'll revel in their attention and count your last times as the number of days go down and the fact seeps in. With a glimmer of curiosity of the afterlife. And then there will be some who'd make you wish that afterlife came sooner, or that you'd like to take them with you or stay back a little longer...

I'm not dying.. But it is definitely a new life a month away..



Ties made for a lifetime don’t end in a day
Neither can they be broken by external forces
They are crafted by the universe, woven in a manner
That any distance would only make them stronger
As humans we can choose to not be connected
Skip conversations and faces and experiences
But what about that soul that constantly wanders
Into forbidden lanes of memories
What about the chance meetings, the coincidences
The play of fate that brings you face to face
With what you once chose to let go many years ago

Sunday, July 12, 2015

I just wish I could sneak into your mind. Without you knowing. And unearth your words. Make sure I read your eyes correctly, double check if my heart is not wandering and making up its own fairy tales. I can see some old wounds. I can see your dreams for me. I can see unfulfilled desires. Make your inner voice speak to me. Make your hand hold mine and let yourself flow towards me like the waves. I am right next to you today. I have your back and you got my shoulder. I don’t trust forever but today is ours. Come, tell me your stories. With the innocence of a kid, enthusiasm of a teen and pains of an older man. I want to know you in and out. I want to know what you are made of. There’s a vacant seat next to mine and a place in my heart that no one can see, with our memories written all over. Come, read your life to me. 

Sunday, July 5, 2015

Just a conversation away

Sometimes you may be just a conversation away
From resolving an argument
From knowing the truth
From changing your days
From finding true love
From saving a life
If not a long dialogue, just a small talk may be
And you may find your solutions
Because not all answers lie within you
There’s a reason why we are human
And a reason why we can converse
And yet… silence has its worshippers

Saturday, July 4, 2015

Stumbled upon some good posts

“I no longer have the energy for meaningless friendships, forced interactions or unnecessary conversations. If we don’t vibrate on the same frequency there’s just no reason for us to waste our time. I’d rather have no one and wait for substance than to not feel someone and fake the funk.”

- Joquesse Eugenia


"Don’t you dare, for one minute,
believe that my kindness makes me
anything but insurmountable.
I did not unzip my chest to every kind of hurt,
and stagger back, wounded and alive,
just to hear you call me weak for trying.
I opened my door to heartache
I gave it the fucking key.
My softness for wayward strangers
has made me nothing less
than a halfway house for aching soles.
So when you open your mouth
and call me ‘baby’
understand that I am not your next victim
in a laundry list of broken girls."

- Ashe Vernon

For more such reads, http://a-thousand-words.tumblr.com/archive

What's worse? Physical wounds or emotional ones.. And what's the respite when it all comes together... At such a point, what if all that ever healed you feels nothing but poisonous?

#latenightthoughts

Friday, July 3, 2015

Was reading some old poems you wrote
I thought I saw myself in every line
Only to realise that you didn't even know I existed
That back then you wrote them as reflections
Of another time, for another love, a deeper one maybe
Coz only something deeper could weave such poetry
And all the lines you ever wrote to me came crashing down before it all..

Pity don't question me when you read this.. Maybe it's my anxiety as a writer.. Or as someone who was never written to.. Till you walked in with those words.

Chase

As humans, we chase what can never be ours. However, gifted we maybe. From a third person's perspective it feels illogical and downright greedy. But now when I see myself doing it, I see no logical explanations. I introspect and realise, I am quite gifted, and yet I chase something that can never be mine. Coz it makes me happy. It's what's in my heart. It brings me peace and if I don't do so it eats into my sleep. I don't know where this chase ends, but with every sprint, it feels like I am growing closer.. So that one day I can walk along and not be chasing.. Or maybe we could decide on running together, chasing the same illusions. Coz we are human. We always chase what can never be ours.

Wednesday, July 1, 2015

Children

Children may be a gift from God.. But if you think it's a gift you cannot honour enough, stay away from it.

There are so many children out there, facing hardships. Filling the gaps created by their parents. So many, hurting their parents, causing them regrets. So many childless couples craving for children, while the gifts are sent to those who don't value them. So many children who think they are born in the wrong house. So many couples who put up with each other just for their sake.

It's a big bad world you are tormented by. Why bring the torment on another human? Isn't that a bigger sin than aborting a womb of cells without feelings?

I don't think it is a cynical thought. But, let's save the optimism for happier families. Where meals are eaten together. Where sacrifices are made unknowingly. Where children and parents are friends and not victims of patriarchy and control. Where spaces are positive, not negative.

Don't have children to save a marriage. Don't have them to redeem your poverty. And certainly not to please your families or prove your fertility. Don't plan on it when your bank has enough money or because you may run into menopause. Have them only of you think you can love them more than yourself. Give them more than you gave to yourself. Reach out and adopt if you must. But only if you know you can create heaven for someone who has seen the hell of abandonment and lovelessness.

Coz what's the point else... It's just a procreated life of regrets.