Wednesday, August 29, 2012

The self-destruction mode

You killed something within me today. Was it a spark, a flame of hope. Was it a flame of hope With just one line, you wiped the slate clean of memories. Memories that I had cherished and treasured. My only reason to survive.

You know why you meant the world to me? Because I hated the world I existed in. It was that special zone I created, that had just, you, and me, and love. Love that was meant to last a lifetime.
I am alone now. I have so much to deal with. So much of clutter to clear up. Where do I start from? Everything is in a state of shambles. So many bottled emotions. I can only hug the emptiness and cry my guts out. Someone or the other is constantly around. No privacy to shed even a tear. I feel like this miserable failure.

Why did I trust you? Why did I love you? Why did I give you my every thing...every thing! Why didn't I see this coming? Was I so blind? Was I so optimistic? I could probably see us bringing up our kids a decade later but I could not foresee a separation a few months ahead
I feel suicidal. I don't have the right to exist. I am fed up, they all make me cry. I am just like a puppet to them all. They keep me as long as I please them and later discard me. I wish I had a heart of stone. I wish I could switch of my brain. I wish for nights where I don't cry myself to sleep. For days where I don't wake up to abuses.

Thank you, for bringing me back to where I was 3 years ago. It was a lovely dream while it lasted.
I don't have the guts to swallow those pills, or grab that rope and climb up to the fan or even push myself down a building. I don't have the courage to lift that knife and slash my wrists or steal a gun and shoot myself.
But, what do I kill anyway? The soul is dead and gone. It's just the body that's left.

You killed something within me today. It was my soul you killed. My soul that loved you endlessly. 

2 scribbling(s):

Anonymous said...

Worry not, the Soul is a phoenix, it rises from the ashes, more strong and potent than the earlier iteration. Happiness will come again, besides there are always friends to fall back upon, you just gotta hang in there.

The Wanderer said...

:) True

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