Sunday, July 15, 2012

Dear optimistic soul,

Dear optimistic soul,

What happens when someone pulls the strings of your heart when you’ve chosen to abandon your feelings? When someone wants to be a part of you and you’ve given up the idea of sharing yourself? Don’t you feel invaded? When a third person tries to replay the past, rewind memories. Don’t you fear history repeating? Agreed, you’re in a better position to judge after that one experience. Agreed, you know what to expect. You don’t want to be hurt again. Is this a new temptation from the Devil or a Godsend angel of healing? It’s so difficult to trust all over again. 

The past is still a part of me. The pleasant memories still haunt me. I relive moments in lifeless objects. My dreams are centered on the days gone by. I hallucinate as I walk those same streets. I feel that touch, each time I fall. Visuals repeat as I close my ears. That voice rings in my ears. Those gestures still bring a smile to my face. I cringe at those pictures. I don’t have the guts to wipe the slate clean. I cannot throw out those flowers I dried in memory of us, or those gifts or that CD. Yes, each time the phone buzzes, I start hoping. Each conversation brings peace, each message kindles old embers. How can I behave normally when I know of the limits crossed. It’s not easy to move on amidst aliens, not easy to accept winds of change. I know I am not alone in this battle of emotions. I know someone else is in the same position as me. Why does fate play such dirty tricks? Did we cross each other’s paths to strengthen each other and then become weaknesses and hindrances? Why were spaces shared to the extent of suffocation? And tomorrow, if you come back, yet this thread of our relationship would have an irreparable knot in between. 

No. I am not vengeful. I am not bitter. I cannot live in pretense. I take responsibility for all that transpired. And with a firm heart I apologize to myself and promise to never hurt myself or anyone else again. Angel or demon, you want to be a part of my life, do it, at your own risk. My heart is not my own, my mind is not interested. I know what tomorrow holds, I don’t see you as a part of that grand picture. That spark will never grow into a flame. Better walk out now, than wait for later. 

Yours sincerely,
Heartbroken pessimist

1 scribbling(s):

Nave said...

Strangely, it feels much like a heard story. You hit the connect somewhere!

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