Tuesday, November 30, 2010

A gay path les(s) travelled

If a man fantasizes about a man, you cannot force him to adore a woman, just because the ‘law of nature’ says so. Why is it that, as a culture, we are more comfortable seeing two men holding guns rather than holding hands?   Similarly if a woman plans to marry another woman, that doesn’t give you the license to treat her like an outcast. Strangely, the society tolerates women being married to trees or animals…Even kids are following this dogma. To them, ‘gay’ was first merely a synonym of ‘happy’. Now it has a number of puns associated with it.  

Next comes the religion factor. No religion supports homosexuality. So a gay or a lesbian couple cannot seek shelter in the cradle of a church, temple or mosque. When God has no issues with one’s sexual orientation, why are we as humans being so particular? The irony is that sexual intercourse and conception between a man and a woman too is termed as a sin in ‘Christianity’. A sin that is forgiven only when the child undergoes ‘baptism’.  On an optimistic note, “Homosexuality is God’s way of insuring that the truly gifted aren’t burdened with children”, rightly said by Sam Austin.  

Who knows…the guy you are best friends with maybe gay. The girl you once loved could be a lesbian. You cannot recognize these species because they are not aliens. They have the same genetic composition (barring transgenders), same physical appearance, same emotions……….they are normal humans, as normal as any of us. They lead normal lives. It’s just that they think differently, not because of a chemical imbalance in their brain, just out of personal choice and the ‘attraction’ factor.   

So why discriminate and treat them as unusual?

Monday, November 29, 2010

Prayers

When I was around 7 I knew all the Parsee prayers by heart. It was Persian. I used to say them blindly without thinking twice what they meant. It was a series of about 10 prayers in a line. I had learnt them repeating after dad. I learnt the rosary praying with Mom. That was till English. Thus there was a time in my life when I knew just too many prayers. 

And then I stopped praying, started talking. Talking before sleeping, after waking up, when alone. In school we had morning prayers where I learnt shlokas and hymns. During Christmas we were taught hymns for the Christmas day programme. In college, the practice evaporated away.

Today, my family says the rosary before dinner. I observe that my hard-core Parsee dad has learnt all the prayers from Christianity, he can say the rosary like a pro. He says his prayers too. Mom never tried learning the Persian prayers. In the initial days it was fun when he used to falter and mom used to lovingly correct his words. 

I am the most non-religious person in the house that way. I enjoy decorating the altar, putting up flowers and lighting candles and diyas. In times of trouble or confusion, I hold the Bible and open any page and start reading. I have got hidden messages and solutions many-a-times this way.
God and I still have our little conversations – some happy, some sad, some romantic, some funny jokes, some serious talk…
Amen to that

Sunday, November 28, 2010

To piracy or not to piracy?

Torrent makes life easy, but a bad net connection makes it worse. So what if your plan is unlimited?

I need Adobe Premiere Pro CS4, need it desperately. Pirate bay and Demonoid have expired versions, so where am I to get my copy from? To think, my movie is for a campaign against piracy :P
I am definitely not practicing what I would preach.

I finally downloaded an antivirus. The online one - avast. It works just well. It found 14 threats on my laptop after 2 hours of a full scan. Its ok temporarily for a month. I am waiting to get a copy from my hostel wi-fi administrator. He'll install it and do the needful and no tensions for a year. My main concerns now are Winzip, Premiere Pro and Lightroom 3....maybe even Photoshop CS5 (let's see).


I have to get all these things sorted when I am here. Once in Pune, it'll be bye-bye torrent, bye-bye downloading. The hostel wi-fi blues would begin again.

I have been sleeping a lot these days. Like 9 - 10 hours. Must get my body clock tuned before next year.

Lazy Sundays!!! ;-)

Saturday, November 27, 2010

A picture in my mind

I love the way water paints spread themselves over canvas or thick textured papers.
I painted today....it's the first picture that comes to my mind when I say I wanna paint something

A yellowish-pinkish-orangish-red sky, bluish green waters reflecting the warm sun with tints of yellow.
This dried background then imposed with silhouettes in black. A couple sitting by the shore and observing the setting sun. The background bears a tall lighthouse and many palm trees......
Ahh!! pictures are so diffficult to describe in words. You can claim to understand me if you are able to visualize this perfectly ;-)
You know what's different about this couple? They ain't human....they are a lion and a lioness.
Why animals? Coz they have no world beyond each other.....we humans do. No wonder we can't spend enough time with nature or even each other.

There is an emptiness, a feeling of loss and an empty space in this picture. The brush strokes too seem haphazard. Strangely I feel morose from within too. Off late, there have been a lot of minor setbacks and disappointments.

Paintings indeed reflect inner most thoughts.

Friday, November 26, 2010

Patience and practicality

 Why do all moms shout in the morning, that the tea is getting cold, so get up fast and brush your teeth? Why even cold tea tastes good (I guess)...

Why do all bosses give skimpy deadlines as though their poor workers have no other work or priority apart from their professions?

It is strange to see wives so impatient about their husbands in the loo. What happens when a husband waits nearly an hour for his wife to get ready?

Then comes the entire practice of banging spoons on plates on a dining table. The long wait for food. Hungry stomachs and sharp noses add to the chaos.

Want to get a passport made, really urgently? The fastest is a week. Says who? I have waited for nearly 4 weeks and it is still 'arriving'.

Traffic jams in Mumbai. That requires a llllloooooootttttttttttttttt of patience. Even a three lane highway can be terribly jammed. Resort to trains? You think you'll get an empty space in a 6pm local?

If you are in a medical profession, you really need a lot of patience. How can a doctor expect his patient to be cracking jokes while he is poking a needle into him? How can he expect the patient to not scream or shout in a procedure without anaesthesia ?

You want to meet someone who is a part of you. But you see no chances of meeting up until say a month. You can't live on messages, calls and emails. Are you being practical?

If you are a school Principal or a trustee, would you wait for the parents to pay up their kid's school fees or would you act impulsive and take them under house arrest (like two primary schools in Mumbai just did)?

And if you want to buy a house in a metro, even patience does not help. Being practical and aiming for the suburbs would be a feasible option.

Aren't these activities the pressure points of one's life? We end up getting our BPs high on these.
Everything under the sun requires a little dose of patience and a tinge of practicality. Invest in patience, be practical, the returns just keep getting better.

Thursday, November 25, 2010

Paint or Knit or Read or What?

I am in a mood to paint today. Paint in water colours. I need cartridge paper, maybe even a canvas. The brushes and paints are all ready.
Let's see...a dash of blue hues interspersed with dabs of yellow for the sky. Sharp green strokes arising from the bottom for grass. Earthy browns mixed with water to mingle with the greens. Black slashes across the blue sky.
Or maybe, a canvas painted in light warm orangish hues totally and then overlapped with opaque black silhouettes - of tress, people, birds, mountains....

Maybe I should just sit and knit something - for starters, a hairband or maybe a mobile cover.
My ultimate dream would be to knit a lovely sweater - a lovely maroon sweater ;-)
Here again, I can't find those needles  >_<

Or should I just settle to read an Archie comic? But...I have read them all at home.

Or should I just watch some TV?
Nothing sensible when I tuned in 5 minutes back.

Maybe a walk in the colony, pretty pleasant outside. But heck, going alone is boring. No one is around too.

Vacations, being home, spoils me soooo much!
Soo many choices...and an internship to deal with :P

Wednesday, November 24, 2010

Live another day

In the past two years I have lost a number of close people in my life to terminal disorders. A couple of my teachers, a college friend.... they gave up fighting. I know some who still continue the battle.

What if you knew you had a few months to live? You live in fear, yet in a sense of contentment. You want to make the best of each day. You want to live life to the fullest. You want to create moments that you and your loved ones can cherish in your absence. You get the feeling of doing everything for the 'last time'.

There are patches of speedy wellbeing. There are those who believe that they'll survive it. They are on the road to recovery. At this stage nothing can go wrong....and then suddenly....
Life cheats them. Time cheats them. Did they predict death, so soon?

Accidental deaths. Who can predict them? Touch and Go. They don't even know the end is near. The poison maybe slow or fast. If fast, they can't sense pain. It gets over in a flash of a lightning. If slow, there is still hope of revival.

And then there are people who conspire to kill themselves. Umpteen ways possible, umpteen trials made.

The contrasting thoughts amaze me. There are people who want to die and people who wish they were alive. Alive to see their parent's 25th wedding anniversary, their daughter's godbharaai, their son's first pay. Alive to look after their spouses in the lonely old age. Alive to see the birth of their grandchildren.

Its a wonderful life, yet why don't some of us want to live another day?

Miracles

Whoever said miracles are unpredictable? Is it a myth in the garb of reality?

There are some areas in life where you know miracles can happen. Even the biggest mistake becomes a boon in disguise. You trip and fall and yet are held in the air by an unknown force - your past deeds, ancestral blessings, luck ... whatever! Fortune favours you in the best and worst of times.

They are some dark areas that go beyond repair. Even a miracle refuses to step into those areas. So what do you do with these dark areas? Discard them (No, you can't do without them), Ignore them (till they get on your nerves), Be optimistic (with no source of hope, think positive), Wait (and wait and wait and wait)...
Question: Why create these dark areas in the first place? Even you fail to answer this question. Maybe they just create themselves.

Some dark areas in my life: My mobile phone, Hostel wi-fi, Mess food, Dreams (rather nightmares) and the latest entrant to the list is MTNL broadband :P

So you know when,where, how, why and with whom you can expect a miracle.....so, whoever said miracles are unpredictable?

Tuesday, November 23, 2010

Type Hype

New poem in Hindi
Feel sooooo happy =)
I am supposed to be researching. I am.
Just took a tiny one hour break to write it out.
I love typing........only when it comes to blogging/chatting/mailing

Field trip reports submission!!! Is this not a usual trend at the end of every semester? Wish I had a great memory to remember break timings, articles in a museum, names of printers, names of stalls and shops, food I ate 2 months back at the trips, name of the hotels etc etc.

So what can I expect the college to get?
147 reports of same copy pasted matter from the net on Shaniwarwada and artifacts stored in the Kelkar museum. Some originality can be expected in the second report, no location to copy paste from ;-)

Hope I manage to come up with a decent report.......there is so much to type anyway in the next 5 weeks time. :P

100% virtual?

Are all dreams 100 percent virtual?

I saw this huge house. Around 5 rooms parallel to each other. Located right next to a hill. The first room seemed to be mine, the second was mom and dad's, the third of a lady I don't know personally but I have seen her on TV, the fourth my Grandma's and the fifth....a burial room where my great grandmother rests is peace. I saw some of my 8th standard batchmates wearing the Symbi blazer. We sat at a huge table and ate. We ran up and down the hills. This huge house faces the road. My other maternal relatives have their houses somewhere behind ours along a bylane cutting the main road. This house is eerie, ghostly. There is a common balcony around all the rooms. A balcony of withered plants and flowers. The house is movable. You can push it to stick to the road. It is almost buried under the ground, surrounded by hills and the road runs along its roof.
The worst part, you don't know its a dream that you can question
  • Burial at home?
  • A TV celeb?
  • School friends in Symbi uniform?
There was a dream where I saw my hostel and the College in Hillside colony (where I stay in Mumbai). I saw six black huge circles across the orange sky while driving on the road beside Powai lake on my bike. I saw a lady in white on a Mumbai beach, the beach had gates....incidentally it was the same ghostly figure I saw in an episode of Aahat that day. Blah! the list is endless...

I begin my morning with weird dreams like these. My subconscious mind needs a serious clean-up. Its been ages since I saw a happy and sensible dream.

What you see in you dreams has some relevance to what you come across daily. Be it shapes, structures, colours, situations, people etc. I run in my dreams, I fall through unknown depths, I get the feeling that I am gliding through a red space.....strangely I don't wake up fresh, I wake up tired, as though I had lived those activities for real.
Dream analysis, dream reading, mind mapping.....it's fun!

Monday, November 22, 2010

Day 1 @ Work

It was my first day at work at Nasscom Foundation. I met a resource person Mrs.Gouri Raverkar. It was the usual reading of brochures, understanding of the CSR internship. Thankfully she was very keen on my area of study, my subjects and work was assigned accordingly. It was just 3 hours at work today. I can work for the rest of the week from home because it is basic Googling and Research. The office was set up 6 months back and they did not have a system for me to work on.
The following is my tasklist for the next 5 weeks of internship.
The project I am working on is called Big Bridge. To summarise it collects used computers, refurbishes them and provides them to NGOs with a licensed Microsoft version installed.
  • Prepare a research report of recycling and refurbishing computers for the Big Bridge project
  • Compare HP, Dell, Nasscom and their methods of tackling e-waste
  • Get in touch with corporates and members of Nasscom and get their feedback on the donated computers for Big Bridge. Draft a questionnaire and conduct telephonic feedback.
  • Complete a report made by a previous intern. She took NGO feedback. I am supposed to do the Corporate bit.
  • Make a 5 minute movie on the Big Bridge programme
  • I also have to market the Big Bridge programme for them in a way that more corporates choose Big Bridge over selling their machines to a local scrap dealer.
  • Make a presentation of my findings and suggestions to a board of Nasscom members after say 3 weeks.
No stipend.
Office timings otherwise : 930am to 6pm
Perks:
  • I am getting the office Camcorder to make the movie and Gouri takes me to the places I am supposed to shoot. No fending for myself. All I have to arrange on my own is an editing software and a decent script.
  • Flexible work atmosphere. I am mostly working from home for this week.
  • Few people and peaceful environment, close to home.
I'm lovin it!

Sunday, November 21, 2010

Reality and dreams

It is scientifically proven that we often dream of people we have not seen in ages, of places that were visited a long time back. Last night I saw a dream that was so much for real 6 months back in time. I saw Ahmedabad, the NGO where I interned, the chase to get a bus, the crowded streets of Lal Darwaza, the people I was staying with, the monuments I visited, the sandstorms ...
It is now time for my second year internship in a CSR. Unlike Ahmedabad my current place of work is quite close to home, infact right behind where I stay, but the problem, a shut gate :P

I report to work at 10:30 am tomorrow. Hope the place is as impressive as its website.
Three Idiots playing on Sony TV. Dad and I have a fetish for watching movies again and again and again. Mom prefers watching a movie only once. She loves Colors, Dad loves Set Max. Me, I loved TV once upon a time. I now stick to music channels, news channels or maybe a sitcom on Sab TV or Star World. Can't stand Colors, Star Plus, India TV etc etc. SIMC effect?
But I do love watching Bigg Boss....it's kinda entertaining ;-)





Saturday, November 20, 2010

In the name of the Father

Looks like I have another exam after the main college ones....learning up a set of prayers.
For? Well, Baptism.

Yes, I am getting baptized at an age when most faithful Catholics are done with their 'Confirmation ceremonies'. The best part is I know most of these prayers apart from the Commandments, stations of the Cross, and the mysteries of the Rosary. Have to learn it all up by 3pm today. Mom says if the Father thinks you know all the prayers, you won't have to attend Baptism classes (classes!!!!!!!!!!! )

The whole purpose behind Baptism is that it washes away the sin of intercourse (in Christianity).
How does it affect me? I get a Baptism Certificate.
I might have to go to church regularly (if I am in Pune, say once a month coz that's all I can manage), say the rosary every night (it barely takes 10 minutes), fast for Lent (that is so not me, and I don't think that is mandatory anyway) and I get buried after I die(as last rites).

Next step: Maybe going for Confession or Confirmation (Mom knows)
At the end  of it all, at least my parents are happy...very happy. 

At this stage what I am clueless about is
  • In future, do I have to baptize my kids?
  • Do I compulsorily have to have a church marriage?
  • How often am I supposed to go for Confession?
There are many people to answer these ;-)

Friday, November 19, 2010

Scanning through the Scandal sheets

Early morning chai with a crispy newspaper. A good way to start your day. You read with a serious look on your face waiting in anticipation to imbibe all that is going on around you, near and far. Until you come across those funny articles and advertisements, that take all the seriousness away. This is what I came across in today's newspaper.
1. Bigg Boss case: Who said children sleep at 11pm?
2. World Toilet day: Why? Because Domex paid for a solus ad on the first page of the Times of India.
3. FB causes asthma attacks: Where did that come from?
And after all these pieces I proceed to read on about the fire in Bandra, The Asian Games, Bus and train accidents, National Integration Day etc etc.
Just loved one piece in today's newspaper.
Antimatter captured for the first time by CERN scientists.
Reading a newspaper is a different experience altogether.
At least it is better than scary looking crime investigators who claim to give you goosebumps, tolerating repeated visuals with red circles adorning them or watching magic shows and remedies, ALL on Indian news channels.
The journalism I study in college and the real Indian journalism are so poles apart!

A productive day

Watched Tom and Jerry today evening. Chuck Jones, you are amazing!Gone are the days when un-robotised cartoons ruled the screens.

Today, I did the unappealing task of cleaning up my laptop. Yes, got rid of a lot of unnecessary icons, programs, photos, movies, applications !! Something that I had been putting off since a year. Felt like such a procrastinator. Lazy Me!

My laptop looks so rejuvenated now. Free from crap. Just a humongous music folder left to be organized. That should get done tomorrow. 
Umm.....Crap?
Sounds like I have heard this word somewhere...

Thursday, November 18, 2010

Games

Feelin so game since morning =)
In school, we had a separate period for PT and games. Catch and cook, Kabaddi, Ball games, Racing etc etc
Games! that You and I played... and still play.

I am yearning to play that game again, the game where we both wait for eachother's moves. Where each move leads you to a revelation, where each move solves a puzzle.
Whats the name again?.... Aah!
Chess !!!
It is a manipulative game of manipulative people. Each move is planned, each step has a reason.
No, it is not played between innocent fawns and big bad wolves. It is played between people who are poised  with great mental abilities.

And this time I won't settle for chasing game of tag or a card game like rummy or even a slow game of pool.
Hope to meet you soon, Honey....at that same chess table.

Wednesday, November 17, 2010

Dynamics of love

If I'd say dancing around trees, singing songs on mountain peaks, kissing behind flowers, giving your mother's bangles to your beloved, gallons of tears are all ingredients of a love story, you'd be well...shocked!
I have been watching a lot of old Hindi movies off late. These seem to be a common thread in most of them. And it is soooo different from modern day romantic flicks. The dynamics of love have changed, drastically.

No, I won't compare a 'Ghar' to a 'Kalyug' and the concept of a loving husband. I won't compare a 'Khatta Meetha' to 'Golmaal 3' or how the definition of comedy has changed over the years. Well, movie tickets did not cost more than Rs. 5 back then.

However, if only I could remember when did we have our first rain dance on the streets ? ;-)

Life Demands and How!

Life and its demands can get so weird. When you ask for something, you get the opposite. When you need leisure, you can't think of getting it. When you are desperate to work there is nothing to practically keep you busy. And our irrationality does not even bother to question life. We quietly give in to boredom or busyness.

I keep getting these urges. To eat chocolates at 3am, for Mumbai to get snow at 12 noon, to own a time machine, to invent or possess a gadget that can make me invisible and transport me to places within a fraction of a second. I wish I had a clone who would replace me at the hostel, magical powers that could do all my work at the snap of fingers. There are times that I wish time flew to the future or drifted back in the past. There are times when I want the present moment to just stop and stay. There are times when I wish I didn't exist, times I wish I was immortal.

Yes, life and its demands....they get so weird!

Tuesday, November 16, 2010

Snooze time

Volvos are sooo irritating!!
Shivneri is the best.
A common perception for any Mumbaikar traveling to and fro from Pune. At one point even the beautiful looking expressway with its serene climate and enchanting greenery get boring. But the joy of going back home surpasses all the boredom. The anticipation for home cooked food...yummmmm!!
The heavy, unavoidable luggage that needs to be carried to and fro. Quite a muscle flexing task. The whirring and rolling wheels under the heavy ones give some respite. Reminds me of the olden times when students going to boarding schools carried huge metal trunks and slept on bunk-beds.
Still does not seep in that I actually have "no work" for the next five days, My internship starts only on the 22nd. Till then I am a free bird. Time to hibernate and take all the possible rest and sleep that I have missed in the past one week of continuous papers.
Overall, I have traveled a lot in the past 15 days. Just realized that.....

Off to doze off now....and later wake to some awesome dinner...."Love You Mamma!!!" ;-)

Monday, November 15, 2010

Tears in Heaven

A song that teaches the valuability of life.

Would you know my name
If I saw you in heaven?
Would it be the same
If I saw you in heaven?

I must be strong
And carry on
'Cause I know I don't belong
Here in heaven

Would you hold my hand
If I saw you in heaven?
Would you help me stand
If I saw you in heaven?

I'll find my way
Through night and day
'Cause I know I just can't stay
Here in heaven

Someone wrote this for his 4 year old son's death. Someone who's son fell off from the 27th floor of a building. Someone called Eric Clapton.
Cause of death- An open window? A busy Mother? A careless nanny? or a playful child ignored by his father until two days before his death
or maybe one word, Negligence.

We often take life for granted. We often regret death.
Late realisations...do they help?

Saturday, November 13, 2010

Fear

It has been almost a year since those eyes first met. A year since the numerous trips to Mumbai, Deccan, Pashan and goodness knows where ;-)
I have grown too close to you.
I sooo can't think of my life without you.
I fear for you, I fear for your safety.
I pray to Him for you every night before I sleep.
I don't fear distance anymore, neither our petty occasional tiffs
And today this fear is occupying a large space within me
That fear of losing you.
You may think it is unwarranted, unnecessary.
There are one or two, maybe no environment(s) where I can be assured you are safe and sound.
No I am not paranoid....I have just started loving you more.

The Night

A night of fantasies, of a blissful union
Bringing memories of the wildest tempest
Warmth of the furnace sighing in breaths
Soft velvety hands caressing unrest.

Whispering mellowed sounds of lust
Moaning delightfully at the slightest feel
Heat and shivery darkness, hand in hand
From gentleness to an aggressive zeal.

Your tresses darker than the nigh
Shadowing both pleasure and pain
The glowing countenance of your innocence
The waited moment that drives insane.

Your eyes like limpid pools of molten amber
Locked away in a sensuous gaze
Wistful, soothing, tender, heavenly
Wrapped in a blanket in the winter haze.

The clear cerulean defeats the vicious ebony
Waking in your protective arms to a new day
Warm bodies tucked like a piece of jigsaw
Moments bid adieu, in sheer dismay

Friday, November 12, 2010

The golden era

My favorite song as on 12/11/2010. Hearing it for the 9th time now.
 
Yeh raat bheegi bheegi, yeh mast fizaayein
Utha dheere dheere voh chaand pyaara pyaara
Kyoon aag si lagaake gumsum hai chaandni
Sone bhi nahin deta mausam ka yeh ishaara

Ithlaati hawa, neelam sa gagan
Kaliyon pe yeh behoshi ki nami
Aise mein bhi kyoon bechain hai dil
Jeevan mein na jaane kya hai kami

Jo din ke ujaale mein na mila
Dil dhoonde aise sapne ko
Is raat ki jagmag mein doobi
Main dhoond rahi hoon apne ko

Aise mein kahin kya koi nahin
Bhoole se jo humko yaad kare
Ek halki si muskaan pe jo
Sapnon ka jahan aabaad kare

Some songs are so beautifully composed and meaningful. Find them so apt for the time and situation......and the music keeps playing over and over in your head =)
Sometimes I wish I was born in the 40s. Life was so simple, everything so crystal clear....a golden era indeed
History tomorrow.... so love the past, the 'old'.....as long as it is Indian

High on old songs ! Who cares about exams anyway? They come and go ;-)

Thursday, November 11, 2010

Lady in Red

 "You look beautiful tonight, I will never forget how you look tonight, I will never forget this night."
And the lady in red stood there, laughing, "You asked for it." The heart is indeed so fickle-minded. Emotions can indeed get so complicating. Did she sense this?
Those eyes, they never lie...They can't lie...
That one look, says it all

Of course, it was an incomprehensive surge, an eternal feeling, a realisation ....Of course it was love. 
But how could he? She was not his...She could never be his... 
She was long gone away from the oblivion of life, she was taken away by someone's majestic wings. He knew that.

And he, stood unabashed, undefeated...still proud of being in love with her

Yes she loved too, and she cared. And there was nothing like the way she adored him. 
Just one thought running in her mind.... 

"Someone out there means bad news to you.
I don't know who, I don't know where, I don't know how?
The recovery from the fall would be tough. I hope you get to know...soon" 

Who was she to predict? was this meant for him?
who was she to look so beautiful? who was she?
"His lady in red"

Lady in Red

 "You look beautiful tonight, I will never forget how you look tonight, I will never forget this night."
And the lady in red stood there, laughing, "You asked for it." The heart is indeed so fickle-minded. Emotions can indeed get so complicating. Did she sense this?
Those eyes, they never lie...They can't lie...
That one look, says it all

Of course, it was an incomprehensive surge, an eternal feeling, a realisation ....Of course it was love. 
But how could he? She was not his...She could never be his... 
She was long gone away from the oblivion of life, she was taken away by someone's majestic wings. He knew that.

And he, stood unabashed, undefeated...still proud of being in love with her

Yes she loved too, and she cared. And there was nothing like the way she adored him. 
Just one thought running in her mind.... 

"Someone out there means bad news to you.
I don't know who, I don't know where, I don't know how?
The recovery from the fall would be tough. I hope you get to know...soon" 

Who was she to predict? was this meant for him?
who was she to look so beautiful? who was she?
"His lady in red"

Habit or Mistake

Old habits die hard, they say.
Indulgence is a very old habit. However much you claim to stay away, however much you ignore...it keeps coming back. It may be a good habit, it may be a bad one.... what matters is, you need it around.
Life is miserable without it. Who are you indulging for after all? For yourself!
You did it in the past, you do it now, you might do it later as well.

But indulgence in an old habit is one thing and not learning from your past is another. You often wonder, that inspite of that bed of roses in the present, why are you still poked by thorns? Thorns and roses were inseparable once upon a time...in the past. You claim to not regret and yet regret internally. That one tiny step in the past can have such a long tedious bearing in the present.
Nothing is disconnected, not even time.
It all happens in this lifetime. 

So before you take that plunge in your present, question yourself, "Will I be responsible for this after today?"
Be it acclaim, be it complain...will I be able to face both gracefully? Will I stare at defeat with the same eyes with which I may welcome success?
From tycoons to filmmakers to a lowly commoner.....
The truth is Universal.

Lady In Red

 "You look beautiful tonight, I will never forget how you look tonight, I will never forget this night."
And the lady in red stood there, laughing, "You asked for it." The heart is indeed so fickle-minded. Emotions can indeed get so complicating. Did she sense this?
Those eyes, they never lie...They can't lie...
That one look, says it all

Of course, it was an incomprehensive surge, an eternal feeling, a realisation ....Of course it was love. 
But how could he? She was not his...She could never be his... 
She was long gone away from the oblivion of life, she was taken away by someone's majestic wings. He knew that.

And he, stood unabashed, undefeated...still proud of being in love with her

Yes she loved too, and she cared. And there was nothing like the way she adored him. 
Just one thought running in her mind.... 

"Someone out there means bad news to you.
I don't know who, I don't know where, I don't know how?
The recovery from the fall would be tough. I hope you get to know...soon" 

Who was she to predict? was this meant for him?
who was she to look so beautiful? who was she?
"His lady in red"

Wednesday, November 10, 2010

Random

I can see flashes of light in the sky...no it is not an airplane
I wonder if I am gonna see them tonight. I know they exist in the deepest darkest realms of this Universe. Drake nearly found them (in a way)
The moon is a crescent tonight. Looks so serenading!!
Me and my romantic thoughts...

Had my first exam today...the days don't seem like exam days. In school, exams meant chaos, sleepless nights, carrying piles of notebooks, Nightmares!!
The entire essence seems to be lost now. We go in the hall, write our generalized perceptions and return. Thankfully the days of mugging up and vomiting on paper have become extinct. I so love what I am studying.... Indian Culture, Photography, Radio, Television, Film making, Journalism ?,
not really world history, sociology and political science
And yes, the ghost of EVS lingers around even in my SY.

I am free from all bondages on the 15th of this month......sooo waiting to go back home.....eat, sleep, watch TV, and of course....
Mumbai =)

Feel unpoetic...hence the messed up broken chain of thoughts .... it's random anyway ;-)

Monday, November 8, 2010

When I am gone...........

When I am gone...........

the days would seem longer..........
the nights filled with mystic memories...........
you would search me in the darkest mists......
in the arms of the golden beams of rays......
the hand that held yours, everytime we walked...........
the fingers that ruffled your hair........
the smile that warmed your heart.........
the kisses that caressed your face.......
the hugs that brought us closer.......
that assurance, that sense of security........
that feeling of being loved more than life.......

i won't take them as i go.....miles away......
they will be there with you forever and ever.........
for our love is like 'eternity'
and our separation...........just a fragment of time

for you are the music in me....
the soul of my soul.......
my reason to live each day....
an inspiration for me to dream..
my reflection.....my shadow.........

Sunday, November 7, 2010

Nov 1- Nov 7......a rollercoaster ride

The past week has been emotionally taxing.

1) When I met my Grandmother, all she did was stare at me. She took time to recognize me. And then she started crying. We were looking at each other and crying. The bastard was watching us and passing comments. He refused to leave us alone. And then I could not take it anymore and shouted back "Do you want your kids to take care of you like this when you grow old?" He kept mum, his wife started bantering, "Who cleaned and took care of her all these years?" Tall claims and complains. And we still looked at each other and cried. I knew I was not going to see her again. She knew too.
I have never prayed for someone's death. But now I am forced to. Coz I know she will be relieved only after she dies.
I grew up with her until things went wrong and she had to be sent to Goa at my Mama's. I was 11. How I wish I could bring her back home, make her last few days joyous. How I wish things were fine.

2) After coming home, my parents were welcoming. Thankfully mom did not start interrogating me for my rude behaviour at my Mama's. But yet, there is this divide. You can't really share everything with your parents. They have a different level of understanding altogether. So again, it stays all bottled up.

3) Then came a really hurting conversation on messages.

4) I realised that the people I love don't understand me because
a) they are too young
b) they are not in their senses
c) generation gap
d) other important things in life

And then I found a new support system, from someone I never expected. An emotional tie that helped me survive this. If it hadn't been for this person, I would have surely had a nervous breakdown. Even though not there physically, this person has reciprocated a lot more than what I could give. A Godsend indeed.

I want you all to know, I am not a stone...there are very few people I love....and it hurts when they can't reciprocate it.
And when all this happens together, it's sickening.

Saturday, November 6, 2010

My Kiddo

Thats my cutie pie..the youngest now on my maternal side =)
Tevory

My li'l cousin who brought back the smile on my face after very gruesome day ........
after I saw my Grandma for the last time...on her deathbed, fought with my relatives and cried my heart out




It was strange when you shouted 'Oh fuck' ......and Dusha and I got scared that the blame would come on us for teaching you that........and then when we asked you "who says that?", you innocently said "mamma says"




And when I played with you, it reminded me of the days when I was 3 and Dusha was 8, and we ran on Colva beach and the mud slides in Margao Garden.



I know you hate your Grandma (my grand aunt), well, I hate her too....

And that's how I used to sit on my grandma's tummy when I was your age


my lil sweetheart...I so want you to grow in front of me =/

And only a few of us know what 'Mintoo' is ;-)

Lost and Found

For a gem of a person, my cousin, Dusha

You brought back my childhood days. Gave me glimpses of all that was lost in the past 19 years. Wish we were 'real'. Wish we grew up together.
Some nights are indeed pretty...especially when you find your soul talking to you...in front of you. You can only hear its voice in the darkness...time flies....like it flew that night.
Cherishing all those moments when you held my hand and dragged me from busy market places, to crowded buses to shop for things that didn't even concern you. Every time I see those anklets I am gonna remember you. Every time I see a movie theatre, I'll remember you waking me up and telling me that lets rather watch a favorite movie together at home. Everytime I see a CCD, I'll remember how much you love coffee and how much trouble your choice of drink caused me. ;-) Every time I wake up at 8, I am gonna miss you telling me you woke up at 6, had your breakfast and have been up since then.
From brushing teeth together, to crying my guts out, to laughing on crazy things, to gross conversations, to giving empty chocolate wrappers after dinner, to praying together, to loo talks, to controversial moments and photos and what nots...all in 3days
I am gonna miss you 'Bigtime' =(
Know this, dear, that I am proud of you! For what you are and what you have faced, with pride. I regret I was not by your side. Don't know what to blame...time or situation
But all this does not stop me from being the bridesmaid for your wedding ;-)
Don't know when I'll meet you next. Hope it's soon...alongwith 'daalu' this time ;-)

Thanks for making my Goa trip so insightful.

And yes...The Gods must be crazy...for all that happened to me, to you, to us

Tuesday, November 2, 2010

Peace =)

I finally reached Goa at 7:30 am
Its sooooooooo peaceful here. Just like a typical house away from the mad city.
No phone network at all, unless I go onto the main road. Internet, yes, but it does not work on my laptop. Ancestral home =)

Meeting my cousins after 10 years. And since then it has been an awesome time ....leg pulling, talking on old days, eating food cooked on firewood, typical goan "sheet kodi"......avvoii!!!
Teasing about each other's love lives. One of them getting married in January on my birthday.
And of course, my aunt and her lovely flower making and creative skills.
Will be meeting grandma and Tevory tomorrow. Looking forward to that and a million other plans.

Goa has changed. Margao, Panaji, Mapusa look ever so lively. Would so love to settle here in the sedentary years of my life. Keep loads of pets and plants. I love Goa.
All day out day after to Panaji.

The statue of Our Lady left for the next neighbourhood today. Family prayers after ages. Pune has so spoilt me.

I start clicking pics tomorrow....there is so much to click indeed...
I dont have return tickets

Ah!!! gtg, see a pig in the garden ;-)